I’m staying up late, ingesting tons of caffeine, watching The Shield, and waiting to see the eclipse.  Sadly, here in my corner of South Carolina, the cloud cover is so thick, nothing can be seen.

But that’s okay. I can feel it inside so I need not see it.  I’ve been dealing with a lot of mother issues, but today (especially tonight) I know that I shouldn’t dampen my soul with them. Even when I was young I felt the pull of the Goddess.  I’ve felt it my whole life. Now that I have turned to it wholly and without reservation, I can know that my real Mother has always been there. She has never, ever turned her back on me.  There is nothing I can do that would make her turn her back on me, or cast me aside.

I feel a change inside…

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My father is probably dying.

I was a total daddy’s girl because I got excommunitcated from the family because I got married. It’s been five years and Ive seen my family at most, 3 times. My father is in his mid 70s (I was the oldest child born to the third wife), and has a slew of health problems. This current thing is an aortic aneurysm that is leaking. There’s also and hole in the aorta as well as a partial collapsed lung. This is man who has always been a god to me and now, he’s all too human.

Between dealing with the demise of my father, I have been dealing with all the bullshit that comes with talking and just being around my mother. I feel so emotionally drained. You would think after not seeing your daughter for 2 or 3 years, you’d be pleased. But yet, the one thing I have always wanted from here just isn’t showing up. I just want to be the center of her attention. But in our longest conversation recently, the focus kept returning not to myself or my father, but to that of my younger sister.

I really have the urge to do something destructive. All I feel inside me is rejection and anger.I thought I was too old for that…

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10/30 Music and the ever changing mood.

OK! Day 10 which means I am 1/3 the way done!! I suck at this crap and I really regret starting a 30 day challenge.  I don’t want to be a quitter so I’m going to keep trudging through.  For nothing else, this experience will pad the blog and give it some depth, even though most of it will be fluff.

Today’s topic is music you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped,  and mad.

Right now, I’m listening to “Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys” by My Chemical Romance.  I’m listening to it a lot.  Destroya and Na Na Na are the songs I listen too when I’m both happy and mad (theres’s little distance between those two lol). SING is what I crankup when I feel a little down. Screw hyped and bored.

Check the album out if you did MCR. If you don’t , I’d urge to you to still check the album out. The band has changed a lot and it’s for the better. They are older now and better musicians to boot.

Blah, this post has taken too long.

What’s my age again…

Do you ever second guess this whole adult thing?

I thought by the time I turned 26 I would have a grasp on what being an adult is. Adding two kids and a husband to the mix, you would think that I would be officially able to call myself an adult.  With all the added responsibilities, you would think I would mature to a point where I could accept that I had slipped into adulthood. I would be reasonable with my words and my thoughts, enjoy frozen yogurt, listen to sensible music as I hustled the kids from one activity to another.  I would have respectable outfits and hair that attractive but reasonable. I’d have a leather hand bag and wear low heels. I would be attractive but not brash.

I seriously do none of those things. I curse way too much, still use the word “dude”, and have a habit of saying weird shit just for the lulz. Shit, I use the phrase “just for the lulz”.  Nirvana is still my band of choice, but I also listen to My Chemical Romance. I literally threw a one women party when I found out they had a new album.  My hair is crazy mullet-y mess of layers and I shave off my eyebrows.  I can never get my make up right, I either have too much or not nearly enough.  I wear Chuck Taylors that are falling apart and tshirts I’ve mutilated with scissors.  I wear too much jewelry, drink lots of coffee, and laugh at dick and fart jokes.

Sometimes I wonder if I missed some important class or some memo, alerting me to the ways of the adult. Is there a book I just skipped reading?

I do think I like it this way though. I don’t feel too separated from my children. And within the circles of my family, I never even notice my awkwardness. But once Im out and about, seeing other moms and stuff, I feel like I seriously am lacking something.

Anyone out there feel the same?

 

9/30 – something you’re proud of in the past few days

I’m a good friend. I’m a good wife.  I made a really good meatloaf.

8/30-short term goals for this month and why

Ah, it is December isn’t it? I guess it really is winter and the end of the year really is right around the corner.  It always surprises me how fast the year seems now that I am an adult. I remember the year taking forever when I was a kid. Now, in a blink the whole year goes flying by.

I’m not a big goal person. I like just going with the flow and things turning out like they should. I like planning things out, but Ive never really set goals for myself.  If it happens, it happens.

This month I’d like a goal. For the last week or two I’ve noticed that I’ve picked up a little weight. November and December are always my weight gaining months.  My clothes still fit fine, but they are just a little tighter than normal. I was way down about this for a few days. When I get down, sometimes it’s a harsh journey. But, I’ve resolved that the weight gain is what it is. It’s nothing to stress or beat myself up about. And really, I gained it honestly. My birthday was this month and I totally overindulged. Then a few weeks later, viola Thanksgiving!! And fuck, if eating wonderful food while having fun with my family and enjoying myself is going to give me a little more cushion, ah so be it.

I’d like to keep an eye on my weight gain. I want to do this by being more physically active. More walking when the weather is nice, more playing with the kids, more random dancing. Also, while working to make myself better from the inside, I also want to make it look better from the outside.

I want to start experimenting more with clothes. I want to try things and stretch my boundaries. Right now, Im a tshirt and jeans type of girl.  I’ve been reading fatshion blogs and excitement about clothing has crept into me again.  The notion that fashion and sexiness are for others.  I’m really hoping to get to do some shopping soon. Hopefully the local Goodwill wont be stripped of coolnesss. I want funky ,I want bold, I want to decorate my temple instead of camouflaging it.

Those are my goals for this month. Let’s see how this works out, hehehe.

7/30–a pic of someone that has the biggest impact on you

These three slightly goofy looking fellas have completely changed my world.

My husband has done so much for me. He was the catalyst to my development as a fully independent person. He was the first one to show me that even though I was broken, I wasn’t damaged. He saw inside the weak minded scared little girl and was able to see just what kind of women I was to become.  He helped me realize that there’s more to life than what you know.

My little guys have pretty much defined me as a women. I was shown the joys and wonders of motherhood from them. I never wanted a husband or children, but once I had both I felt like a huge piece had been placed in my puzzle.  My life is what it is because of those three guys.

This picture is from this Halloween. The boys were The Blues Brothers. They were the coolest dressed kids at the event we went to.

6/30-My favorite superhero

Mmm, superheros.  For a nerd like me, superheros are very important. So telling you who my favorite superhero is and why should be easy , right? Yeah, not so much.

If asked this question a few years ago, I would have answered Batman with a moments hesitation. The trouble now is, I’ve spent 6 years with my husband. He argues that Batman is not a superhero but just a  dude with money and a hard on for vengeance. And, sadly, that makes some sense.  Bruce Wayne does not have super powers, he has a never ending bank account and lots of training. So, I can’t say Batman is my favorite superhero, even though he is my favorite comic character.

So, I guess Wolverine would have to be my favorite superhero, even though he is an antihero at best. But even naming Wolverine as a “superhero” comes with hiccups. Like I just said, he more of an antihero. Also, part of his “power” comes from a government experiment.  So would that disqualify him from superhero status?

I’d go with someone safe and easy like Superman, but honestly, I don’t really care for him.  And he’s not REALLY a superhero, he’s an alien who saves humans.  Which is all good in my book, I just don’t dig on him that much. Rouge, Storm, and Gambit are all higher up on my list than Superman.

I think the world of superheros is a little murky. Can we just say that I like the concepts of super powered people (or aliens) that try to make the world safer and better? Yes, we will leave it at that.

Now I have a paper to help a friend with. And by help, I pretty much mean write. Alone.

Damn me being a nice person.

5/30-Where Ive gone today…

What I Believe

I think I want to take a break from the 30 day dooda.  I know I’m horrible about starting things and now finishing. Sometimes I just get these great ideas in my head that work so well in my thoughts but falter in the real world. It’s a me thing, it’s always been that way.

Anyway, I want to write about what I believe. I want to get my beliefs out of my head and down somewhere solid (that is if the internet was tangible).  I have no outline for this post, so if it turns into ramblings and nonsense, I apologize.  I’ve never been able to pre map my thoughts. I’m not one for rough drafts either.  So here goes…

I believe there is a God. I think that God is both masculine and feminine. I am able to connect more with the feminine side, so God to me is a Goddess. The Goddess is everywhere, in everything. She’s the force that holds our molecules together.  Those little bits of stardust that may or may not transport life throughout the galaxies? That’s Her. Therefore, The Goddess is in me as well. I believe that’s true for everyone.  This star dust, this life stuff, is inside us all. Some people just don’t know or WANT to know.

I also think we’ve been cultivated like cattle into believing a set of  easy beliefs. Churches, schools, and governments have filled out head with the easy answer for so long, we no longer want to find the truth out the hard way.  No one wants to fight for the truth anymore, we want it flopped onto our plate with some double fried sugared promises.

I believe that multitudes of gods and goddess throughout history were set forth by the Goddess (or God) to help people understand. The gods were made in images the people could relate to and open up to. I think communicating with them, working with them, and working for them are perfectly fine. They were made by the Goddess so they are Her in Her many different forms.

I don’t think anyone is better , or ranks higher on the ladder of life, because of their own personal beliefs.  I would also rather have beliefs than a religion. I would rather travel around the spiritual world on my own than sitting back and letting someone else drive me to the all the stops.  I think that when you stop learning, you stop living, so any belief structure must constantly be expanded. But it should be done based on your personal wants and desires.

I believe in magic(k). I believe in prayer. I believe in meditation and positive thinking.  I believe in offering things up to the Goddess. I believe in helping my fellow man. However, you can help someone but you can not live for them. You can show them “the how” but you can’t make them “do”. I believe love is the most important thing. If you can’t stand and fight for love, you are a fool. I also believe worshiping doesn’t have to JUST happen inside a destinated structure.  You can live it everyday in everything you do instead of a few times a week in really nice clothes.

WOW! I just glanced down at my word count! Im almost at 600.  Let’s sum it up for the TL;DR

• I believe in the Goddess
• I believe in Love
• I believe we all should worship in our own way,but respectfully.

I hope at some point, I made sense in this mess. It made me feel better to put it all down. Thank you for reading.